You guys, there’s been a lot of talk lately about whether women can or can not have it all. This lady says they can’t. I’m sure there’s some other lady out there that says they can.
But what about the dads? Can they have it all? More specifically, can I have it all? I mean, if it’s there, I want it. Give it to me.
Now, I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “What are you talking about? What is ‘it all’?”
But I have to laugh because you are soooooo predictable. I knew you were going to ask that! So I carefully constructed a list of what “it all” is comprised of…
1. Quality time with my son
I don’t want to grow old and have regrets about how much time I was able to spend with my child, who happens to be a little miracle and is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. At the same time, I don’t want to spend TOO much time with him. He’s got a bit of a temper and a mean streak and sometimes it’s better just to stay out of his way.
2. Money
Specifically, $65,000 in cash. I’d rather not go into specifics.
3. A wonderful career
I want the best job in the world. CEO of some huge company where I don’t have to do anything and they just drop bags of money down my chimney every day.
4. Regular date nights with my lady friend
Once you have a child, spending time with your partner becomes more difficult. By the time the kid’s asleep, all you’re capable of is sitting on the couch and watching Spider-man on cable. Not the one that’s exciting because it’s new. The one that’s stupid and old from a few years ago. So old and stupid and useless. Now that I think about it, the new one’s starting to feel kind of old and stupid, too. Which leads me to number 5…
5. Another Spider-Man reboot
I want every movie to be remade once a year. Harry and the Hendersons, Cocktail, Roger & Me, all of it. That way, nothing feels old and stupid. It’s always fresh and able to connect with a new generation of fans.
6. A large hat
My hair’s getting thinner and I need to cover it up. You know, because of the shame. Also, I wish it were socially acceptable to wear fedoras or cowboy hats or sombreros or those safari hats. You know, like in the old days.
7. A new, fancy car
My car is a 1991 Nissan Pulsar hatchback. It makes weird noises and I have to hold the hatch up with one arm or it will murder me on the way back down. So I want something sleek and fun and expensive. If it can fly, even better.
8. A tiny horse about the size of a dog
I want a horse that’s about the size of a dog. Wait, I take that back…
9. An enormous dog about the size of a horse
My God, the possibilities…
10. An espresso pot that doesn’t spray coffee and water all over the place
I hate my espresso pot.
I’ve bought three of the exact same one, every time hoping that the next one won’t spray stuff everywhere. Last week, while trying to clean up the coffee/water mixture that was sprayed, I burned myself on the pot. It was awful. So I would like “all” to include a new coffee pot.
But what do you guys think? Can dads have all these things? What about some of them?